Not quiet yet

Ok so last Monday I went in and got the oh so not good news of the impending miscarriage. It broke my heart. It made me realize how very much I wanted Thing 4 in my life, but it was not meant to be. So All week the doctors whom I assumed knew everything had me come in for blood work. Mondays levels were 9,000 HCG level and a 12 for progesterone. Those are perfectly normal for being 5 weeks along. Wednesday went in for another blood draw and my HCG level went up to 12,000 and the progesterone stayed at 12 Not bad but it causes me to have to go in again on Friday and get MORE blood work done- btw I am really bruised up my arms from all the pokes. So they call and I get the new confirming that the pregnancy is done, my HCG went up to 13,000 not good enough BUT the progesterone went down to 10. So I needed to come in Monday to get the D&C set up.

I went through the weekend, I was sad, very sad but knew it was coming so it wasn't too hard. We started to plan for the future, and part of that is moving so started to paint all the beautiful colors of my home to boring beige and off white. GAG, it actually showed outwardly how I was feeling inwardly. Blah, and empty. I enjoyed movie time with The Father of Things- we watched Courageous, it is great by the way. I had lots of red wine, and I slept like a log- I got to take my ambien again! Overall it was a good weekend!

So Monday's appointment is at the ass crack of dawn- ewwwww 8:45. I wake up at 5:30 am to a text saying there is a 2 hour delay due to snow. ~Super~ So now not only do I have to be out the door at the crack of dawn, but I have to do it with 3 kids in tow. Thankfully they actually helped entertain Thing 3 during my appointment, so it kind of worked out. I get called back, get the weight, blood pressure, temp routine. I had a low grade fever 99.5 go figure. Must be because of the dead sac in my tummy is what I think. SO I get the invasive internal exam over with talk to the doctor about what a D&C entails, and sign the paper work and am set up to go in Thursday morning. I just have to get a sono to clear me and then I can be on my way.

No biggie, I don't mind them too much at this point...ok I do but it is the last thing I need to do be done with this roller coaster. The technician brings me in onto the table I go- invaded yet once more, and she has no clue what id going on and says all cheery like oh there's the heartbeat. My face must have dropped because she turns the monitor to me and yes I see it too, there is a flutter to the baby that is NOT supposed to be there. I told her she must be wrong, I was being cleared for a D&C. She smiles and says well from looks of this there is going to be no D&C So she goes on to measure the sac, the yolk the baby, and the heart rate. The heart rate is a little worry some because it is a little low 96 and normal is 100 at this age, but she told me it is very very early and might have just started to beat. She told me to get dressed I need to talk to the doc again, and I get ushered into yet another room.

The doctor comes in and say well we are not doing a D&C, but with the low heart rate and my low levels it will most likely end is a miscarriage still. There is something like 1% chance of it turning around, and making it. I am still in shock and awe- how in the world is there a heart beat? It was supposed to be dead and it is anything but, for now anyways. So now I have to go in on Monday at 8:30 for a repeat sono and we will go from there.

So I got home in shock, don't remember the drive, but I call the Father of all Things, and he wants to know when the D&C is so he can try and get time off to help me. I go on to say there is not going to be one yet, that they found a heartbeat. He is speechless, and ask how. I try not to laugh because I don't know how either- I mean I do "know how" thing 4 was made, but not sure how it is hanging in there.

So I don't know how to feel, am I supposed to be happy, or excited, or am I just supposed to assume it will end, just not right now? I am now just numb, and angry. Maybe I was right on my dates? Maybe it is just fine, BUT my levels are not good. Maybe it is stronger than I think, BUT Thing 4's heart rate is low. I don't know what to feel, so I go with numb. It is safe, I wont be crushed if it doesn't make it, and I will get a great surprise if it makes it.

So for now I will take it day by day, and cringe every time I have to pee and wipe, for fear of seeing blood. My stomach turns with every twinge I feel in the belly area, and I wonder if I am causing some of my twinges? This is a roller coaster I never figured I'd be on, much less not be able to get off quickly. So you know what I know, odd are not in our favor, and the outcome is likely to be the same as I was told last Monday, but I got to see with my own eyes a real LIVE angel.