Not quiet yet

Ok so last Monday I went in and got the oh so not good news of the impending miscarriage. It broke my heart. It made me realize how very much I wanted Thing 4 in my life, but it was not meant to be. So All week the doctors whom I assumed knew everything had me come in for blood work. Mondays levels were 9,000 HCG level and a 12 for progesterone. Those are perfectly normal for being 5 weeks along. Wednesday went in for another blood draw and my HCG level went up to 12,000 and the progesterone stayed at 12 Not bad but it causes me to have to go in again on Friday and get MORE blood work done- btw I am really bruised up my arms from all the pokes. So they call and I get the new confirming that the pregnancy is done, my HCG went up to 13,000 not good enough BUT the progesterone went down to 10. So I needed to come in Monday to get the D&C set up.

I went through the weekend, I was sad, very sad but knew it was coming so it wasn't too hard. We started to plan for the future, and part of that is moving so started to paint all the beautiful colors of my home to boring beige and off white. GAG, it actually showed outwardly how I was feeling inwardly. Blah, and empty. I enjoyed movie time with The Father of Things- we watched Courageous, it is great by the way. I had lots of red wine, and I slept like a log- I got to take my ambien again! Overall it was a good weekend!

So Monday's appointment is at the ass crack of dawn- ewwwww 8:45. I wake up at 5:30 am to a text saying there is a 2 hour delay due to snow. ~Super~ So now not only do I have to be out the door at the crack of dawn, but I have to do it with 3 kids in tow. Thankfully they actually helped entertain Thing 3 during my appointment, so it kind of worked out. I get called back, get the weight, blood pressure, temp routine. I had a low grade fever 99.5 go figure. Must be because of the dead sac in my tummy is what I think. SO I get the invasive internal exam over with talk to the doctor about what a D&C entails, and sign the paper work and am set up to go in Thursday morning. I just have to get a sono to clear me and then I can be on my way.

No biggie, I don't mind them too much at this point...ok I do but it is the last thing I need to do be done with this roller coaster. The technician brings me in onto the table I go- invaded yet once more, and she has no clue what id going on and says all cheery like oh there's the heartbeat. My face must have dropped because she turns the monitor to me and yes I see it too, there is a flutter to the baby that is NOT supposed to be there. I told her she must be wrong, I was being cleared for a D&C. She smiles and says well from looks of this there is going to be no D&C So she goes on to measure the sac, the yolk the baby, and the heart rate. The heart rate is a little worry some because it is a little low 96 and normal is 100 at this age, but she told me it is very very early and might have just started to beat. She told me to get dressed I need to talk to the doc again, and I get ushered into yet another room.

The doctor comes in and say well we are not doing a D&C, but with the low heart rate and my low levels it will most likely end is a miscarriage still. There is something like 1% chance of it turning around, and making it. I am still in shock and awe- how in the world is there a heart beat? It was supposed to be dead and it is anything but, for now anyways. So now I have to go in on Monday at 8:30 for a repeat sono and we will go from there.

So I got home in shock, don't remember the drive, but I call the Father of all Things, and he wants to know when the D&C is so he can try and get time off to help me. I go on to say there is not going to be one yet, that they found a heartbeat. He is speechless, and ask how. I try not to laugh because I don't know how either- I mean I do "know how" thing 4 was made, but not sure how it is hanging in there.

So I don't know how to feel, am I supposed to be happy, or excited, or am I just supposed to assume it will end, just not right now? I am now just numb, and angry. Maybe I was right on my dates? Maybe it is just fine, BUT my levels are not good. Maybe it is stronger than I think, BUT Thing 4's heart rate is low. I don't know what to feel, so I go with numb. It is safe, I wont be crushed if it doesn't make it, and I will get a great surprise if it makes it.

So for now I will take it day by day, and cringe every time I have to pee and wipe, for fear of seeing blood. My stomach turns with every twinge I feel in the belly area, and I wonder if I am causing some of my twinges? This is a roller coaster I never figured I'd be on, much less not be able to get off quickly. So you know what I know, odd are not in our favor, and the outcome is likely to be the same as I was told last Monday, but I got to see with my own eyes a real LIVE angel.

boo

So today I wasn't feeling right, and I think I knew all along that something was off. But I went in today for a sonogram and instead of being around 9 weeks and a few days I am measuring at 5 weeks-ish. The sac is irregular in shape and has a thick large yolk sac. So in other words, it is called an impending miscarriage. I have cried, a lot. I had to tell everyone. Including the Father to all Things and Things 1&2. We all cried. For not knowing who this was going to be he/she was sure loved.

So I was going to kill this blog, but I think it is worth keeping track of the process of healing, and possibly getting lucky enough to get a Thing 4 for our family. So this blog still has life in it, even if Thing 4 doesn't.

So for now I will say I have to get more blood work done- yeah to be a pin cushion, in 2 days to see if my levels are going down. And now if they are not what the heck does that mean? hmmmmmm Ohhhhhh GOOGLE. Then I think I have to go back in on Monday to figure out what the next step is. So for now I am going to go and cuddle Thing 1-3, they all need some extra love tonight.  Because I am so very very very blessed. Some people never get the joy of even one Thing, and I already have 3. And the Father of all Things needs some special one on one time too.

Keep you all posted in the progression of this new direction of the adventure. Thanks for reading!

In a mood

So i found my orginal "sisters" on Cafemom, used to love that site. Used to live on it, couldn't live without it! So I decided that after not being on it for almost a year- well maybe longer, that I would jump on and join my due date group. OMG what a bad idea.

What used to be a peaceful place with women supporting each other now makes me sad. To say it is a freaking estrogen laden war zone is an understatement. All I saw was negativity, snarkiness, and women tearing each other down. Now I kind of knew that would be there, because women are women and for the most part that is what they do. But what really got me was the ignorance. I saw women after woman talking out of their butts. With every post I read, I saw Jim Carrey butt talking. It was so bad.

Now I do not claim to be super smart, heck most of the time if you ask Thing 1 I don't know anything at all. But if I see a post where someone is going to put themselves or others in danger I will put in my 2 cents. I have had 3 Things before, I do read a lot of books. Of course a good majority of them are about vampires, but still some are not! So today I went on and saw a women talking- and I use the word loosely because she used words like "I went to the doctor and got blood draws and I got no herpes"  or "I done that before" and like BFF Thing said -she best she uses words like "prolly" and "seen". Anywhoo she was talking about doing a v-bac, I am all for them. And for those who do not know, it is a vaginal birth after a c-section. She has had 2 c-sections already so that makes her more at risk for a uterine rupture, btw the last one was 9 months ago. And then she goes on to say she got herpes from her previous partner, but her new one- aka babies daddy, knows this and is ok with it....um yeah we got that because you ARE knocked up. So you add the risk of HSV, and a uterine rupture I say it is not worth the risks to try it. So every other back woods momma jumps on me that "I no nothing" and need to research this. Actually I have, a lot. So on that note, I added a few links on v-bacs, and HSV. Not that any of those mommas can read or understand the information I provided.

Sorry this wasn't all too funny, but hey like I said I am in a mood.

So one last bitch... why is it these backyard inbreeders can get pregnant at the drop of  a hat and keep the offspring all "safe" in their infested uterus, and my friends who deserve babies, and are good parents and the children they will raise will make society better loose their babies? UGH NOT FAIR!

**side note, I am sure there are tons of great mommas on Cafemom, but I do not have the patience to weed through them. I will stick to my "sisters" that I met in my July 2010 group, and my BFF Thing. They are all the support I need.

wordless Wednesday pt1

Our coming out party!

poetic liscense

We have Things 1, 2, 3 and soon 4.
I have been asked -Oh my you want more?
I reply with a smile and a wink.
For honestly I do not care what others do think.

Yes I do know where babies Things come from.
I do not need your ideas, and I did not need rum.
No the nights were not long and cold,
Actually they were quiet hot and and it never got old.

I know there are people who think we are nuts,
and really and truly I think they are butts.
So what if our family is big and so loud.
To me all my Things make me very, very proud!

Now I know 4 Things is not every ones cup of tea.
But who I am now makes it perfect for me.
I don't want your comments, advice or your stares.
Please go away, because I prefer my Things come in pairs.

I may be no  brilliant Dr Suess,
I like to think I resemble Mother Goose.

a quicky

Ok so I just wanted to put out there what is on my heart. I worry about my friends, there is a bunch of us that is pregnant all together and all due within a few weeks of eachother. I know some of us have had previous miscarriages- me included. I worry and pray nightly for all of us, for all of us to keep our babies. I know with so many of us pregnant together the odd are not necessarily in our favor, there were 7 of us and seeing as there 6 of us left now. It weighs heavy on my heart that someone else will loose one of Gods gifts before WE are ready, and yes I know God has a plan, but it doesn't maek it any easier.

So who ever or what ever you pray to please pray we all end up with the perfect babies we all so desperatly want. That there are no more losses and heartache.  I could not imagine the guilt I will feel if I were to have my baby and someone elses is an angel, or vice a versa.

I found this prayer, and it seemed fitting. So if you are at a loss for words you can always say this one.

Prayer for a Safe Pregnancy

This life you have given us
is so tiny, fragile, and vulnerable,
safe in the womb of flesh and hope,
yet subject to danger and death.
O God of love, creator of life,
hear our prayer.
We want this baby so much.
Please grant this child of ours
a full term of nurture,
the joy and mystery of life,
and the blessing of your love.
Grant us the fulfillment of our dreams,
a baby to cherish and protect,
a child to teach and guide,
a blessing to our family.

          Amen.

first time

So there are a lot of first in my life, first steps, first day of school, first date, first kiss, first marriage- well last one too. So as in pregnancies there are first.

With my first pregnancy I was so sick, well sick is not the real word for it. Posioned is a better word. Thing 1 for sure posioned my body, if I only threw up 3-4 times on any given day it was a good day. Bad days I found my self in the ER getting fluids pumped in, and Zofran shots in my heiny.  Once that subsided around about 4.5 months the diabetes kicked in so it was daily 3 times a day finger sticks and no more chocoalte. And those of you who know me that is a food group on its own. Got to the very end and sure enough had kidney stones, that were so bad I was in the hosptial for a  week before they induced me. From what I am told it was bad, I remember very little of it, but I got so many shots for the pain, and then shots for the vomiting and then IV's and blood draws I have nerve damage in my upper thighs..... very very odd.

Well Thing 2 I had first too. I remember for sure the day I first got sick with him- it was the first and last! Again I got the gestational diabetes and many many finger sticks later and the threat of having a ginormous baby- BTW he was 6 lbs 8 oz- REAL huge huh? I had the kidney stones but not as bad and I was able to stay home and got induced before I got stuck in the hospital for a week again.

Well a bunch of years later we get surprised with a honeymoon baby- not ours mind you, but we were in the wedding and somehow got the baby, and they got the honeymoon. Yeah what happened is still a mystery to me. I mean I know where babies come from, but why I never ever got a honeymoon and got the honeymoon baby still stumps me. So Thing 3 was full of first too. It was a first that I had no hurling, puking, vomiting, barfing none of it. I felt great! Thing 3 was the first time I did not get the gestational diabetes, but I did get the kidney stones. My docs were great because I could call and say hey- this is going on, and they would send me up to L&D and I'd get fluids and pain meds and go home to all my other Things. All in all it was an easy pregnancy. Delivery was easy until the end when I was pushing but Things 3's heart rate was crashing, so I was threatened a c-section if I didn't pick up the pace. Now THAT is motivation! Cut my belly open AFTER I got to 10  F that man! I got him out in no time flat, and let me tell you he was the healthiest Thing we had had so far! And he was the first Thing that I put my foot down as a mom and demanded we be let out of the hospital after 24 hours <------ very proud of that, it was a fight for sure but I held my ground. Oh yeah I forgot to mention Thing 3 was the first baby we didn't peek to see if it was a he or she Thing!

Ok so being only about 8 weeks into the pregnancy of Thing 4 I have had 2 migraines, no morning sickness- yet I know I am not out of the woods yet. But the migraine upset me because really Tylenol really won't touch it. It really really doesn't cut it. I have to say I would take the migraine over the morning sickness hands down. I can't wait to see what more of my firsts are going to be, maybe the first Thing with no kidney stones? Maybe the first Thing with a midwife delivery? Maybe even a first Thing with a home delivery?? Who know and  I have time on my side.

snowy days

So I went to bed last night with the window cracked, I had the Kindle Fire playing crickets, and between the noises and fresh air I would have sworn it was summer. Oh did I mention I was laying on a heating blanket so I was toasty. So once I started to feel really tired I shut the window and turn off the crickets. Fast forward 6 hours and 13 nursing session later to 7 am. I roll- ok fall, stumble or something else less than graceful, but I amount of bed, and it is white out- everywhere No clue where this came from, I even checked the weather right before bed and it said rain.

So I go to step and squash a Thing that was under foot and asleep on my floor, grumble grumble. So i poke at Thing 1 and tell her it is time for school, and the complaining starts. Eh nothing new, so i turn on the tv and there are 14,000 schools closed so now I am stoked because I will have all the Things home with me to keep me and Thing 3 company all day! So I watch as A,B,C, goes by ohhhhh so excited because all the local school are closed!! D,E,F,G, ohhhh come on come on... H, I, J,K ok I don't know of any schools that start with K, but you know what I mean. L!! Finally! Wait no Liverpool closed what the...? It is bad bad out there, and my babies have to stand in the unplowed road to catch a bus.NO this can't be right, so I go to the all knowing- Google! Nope, my Things have school. My heart dropped, the Things hearts were crushed and then they got angry, and they can only take it out on the Mother of All Things. Of course this and the pregnancy hormones are like oil and water.

So now I am pissed my Things have to go out in the snow and that they are being snots to me..... bad combo. So Thing 1's bus gets here 30 min late.... grrrr. Thing 2's is only about 10 min late so that is a little better. So they are off to school in the crappy weather, and the Father of All Things said he heard there was a bus accident, with a car. Grrrrrrr momma Thing is not happy. Hormones are playing a huger role than I figured. Becasue now that I know my Things are safe at school, I can calm down and breath... whooooosaaaaa.

Until my phone goes off and I know, I just know it is saying they are coming home early! WTF? No they just canceled after school activities! I can feel the tears welling up, and that is so not me. I am not a cryer, ever! And yet I can feel them threatening, and it dawns on me. It is Thing 4 wreaking havoc on my mind. This baby Thing is going to be a drama queen or a drama king, if what I am feeling is half of what it is feeling! Poor baby Thing 4. Oh no poor me! I am really going to be in for it.

7.5 ish

7.5 ish weeks- I think!

Sunshine

So I have been tired, like wow my ass is too heavy to drag around tired. Yes I understand this is normal and supposed to be happening, but really truly, I do not have time for this. My Thing 3 doesn't care if I am tired, not at all. He still wants to eat off and on all night long, he wants to play and kiss my face and have me change his diapers. He wants me to feed him and love him and hug him and call him George- oh wait that was Bugs Bunny. Anywhoo what I meant is he doesn't care if I am tired and don't have the energy to get moving.

Things 1 and 2 also don't care if I am tired. The seem to be accustom to being fed, and having help with homework, rides to friends, and goodnight books and tuck ins. I guess they didn't get the memo that the Mother to all Things wants a break for the next 5 weeks..... rats.

You know what else doesn't care if I am tired? The mess in the house, the laundry still piles up and is in co hoots with the dishes that pile up too. The bits and piece on the floor still need to be vacuumed, the pets want to be fed, meals have to be made, and it goes on and on and on. So I have figured out 2 plans against all the things and Things that don't care if I am tired. First off I am going to list them to death. I am going to make my to do list and stick by it.... of course being Monday means I have to bust a move on my Monday tasks, but still I can do it! And 2 is sunshine. I got out in it today even though it was only like 42 out. I hung the cloth diapers on the line. It was ummmmm errrrr invigorating!

So as tired as I may be, life is not going to stop and wait for me to catch my breath because I am tired, and I know for sure that in 6 months it is not going stop for me to catch my breath when I actually can't catch it. So until then I am going to use what I can, and the magic cure is sunshine..... and a few lists. If I can remember where I put that list.....

Worry? Me?

I am not a born worrier. I don't worry about the small things. I don't worry about my kids getting sick- no I don't want them to get sick, but it happens no matter if I worry about it or not. I don't worry about the bills all too much. We have been so beyond broke that we lost our apartment, and moved into my parents house, had creditors calling non stop and there wasn't anything I could do about it, so why waste time worrying? I mean they can get blood out of a rock. BTW that was years ago and 3 children ago and my hubby was going to school full time and had lost his full time job. We have come a long long way from there, but that is another story for another day.

So as you can see I am not a worrier. I am a sliver lining person, I find what is good even in a bad situation. My best friend thinks I am nuts, and I love her for that. But in a bad situation she comes to me to point out the positive. And yes there are situations where there is no positive. I don't live in rose colored glasses, I live in the real world where it can be scary, and really unfair.

So I am not a worrier, but this time around with Thing 4 I am a little worried. I am not feeling pregnant at all. Besides from breast tenderness, that Thing 3 is not helping at all, and a heavy feeling in my "baby condo". Oh and of course my skin looks like a teenage version of myself, what is with that?? But I don't have any of the other symptoms. I am not overly tired, if anything I seem to have more energy. I have no morning sickness, not even nausea.  Everyone else I know that is due around the same time, has been sick, even just a little bit. And they are super tired.

See with Thing 1's pregnancy I was sick before I even knew about her. And I was sick sick sick all the time. I had hypermesis- aka can not stop throwing up. Thing 2's pregnancy was better, I was nauseous all the time but only got sick one. And Thing 3's pregnancy I was really tired but I don't remember being nauseous at all. So maybe Thing 4 will be like Thing 3?

Maybe I am not as far along as the "docs" insist, maybe it just hasn't kicked in? I feel guilty for complaining about not feeling pregnant, and I know I should be counting my lucky stars. I have has the 2 extremes so I know what I could be facing.

Does this mean this baby is not ok? Does this mean I might lose Thing 4? See I am worrying, and not that my worrying makes the outcome any different, I still find I am doing it. January 24th, can't come soon enough.

7 am

So I woke up at 5 am an I thought myhead was going to explode. But then I thought better of that and decided I did not want to clean up that kind of mess especially at 5 am, or 7 am when I finally got up. So I shoved hubby out of bed to bed me a couple of Tylenol. Man oh man he is a good guy. Note to self- read this blog when he does something that is rational, but seem irrational when I am huge and grumpy. So I downed the Tylenol and rolled over and went back to sleep.

7 am rolled around and my alarm went off, I actually think some how it gets louder everyday. Anywhoo it being Friday mean it was roughly somewhere between a mega phone and a fire truck at full blare. YUCK, and ouch, my head is still killing me so I am trying to get the 2 bigger Things ready for school from my bed. Side note, Thing 1 is nasty in the mornings and hard to get moving. She is always sick, her head hurts, her throat hurts, her tummy is icky, her eyelashes are bent, he toe nails are cold.... and it goes on and on. Thing 2 on the other hand is a breeze as long as the boob tube is not on. If it is well he can't function, think strait or even tell me his name. Today Thing 1 got out of the house, and I think she was dressed in matching clothes, actually she is 10 and a fashion diva all of a sudden so that is not a real concern, but I wonder if she packed a snack? So she is gone, she leaves an hour before Thing 2. So Thing 2 is concerned that the Mother of all Things is unable to get moving like normal, so he gets himself semi ready. And comes to check on me. The thing with Thing 2 is he is busy, very very busy, like constant motion, like make a humming bird look lazy, heck drains all of those around him of their energy and somehow stores it in himself busy. So he is hovering- I swear above the ground- and starts playing with my stuff on my night stand, he starts with the light. Off, on, off, on, off, on, off, on- ok Thing 2 STOP IT! So then it is on the the ear buds and then the lotion, and then I hear a weird plastic sound like a pen cap. Off, on off,on off, on. And I kinda roll over and with my one working eyeball and I see him playing with lucky 100. Goodness and ewwwww pee sticks are not for Things to play with. I ignore it hoping he doesn't know what it is, other thank an ink pen that doesn't work.

So he lets it go and says nothing. We get up and go downstairs and he finishes getting ready, and Thing 2 says mom did you take your baby test yet?? UMMMM ERRRR no I reply. Why Thing 2? Cause I want to know when we get to have another baby Thing 4. I reply well I'll let you know when I know. Thing 2 accepted that answer and went off to school.

But being the Mother of all Things means more than having 2 sets of hands and arms, and 2 pair of eyes. It means when my brain has a working moment it clicks. And Thing 2 now has a pretty good hunch that Thing 4 will be on it's way. What he doesn't know is they could very well share a birthday!

So from now on I know that at 7 am, the Things are smarter than the Mother of all Things. And not only are we at 2 to 1 odds, but at 7 am it doesn't really matter the odds.

So it is official

As the title may imply it is official, but it really isn't, at least not yet. It will be "official" on January 24, 2012. That is when we see the proof that yes we are truly becoming 2 to 1 odds. It will be the first time we get to see our newest addition, Thing 4.

Let me back up, it was official when I peed on something like the 100th stick, because the first 99 were all negative and I was sure something was wrong with me. I mean heck how can a girl be on day 50 of her cycle and NOT be pregnant?! But the first 99 lied. They all lied, I was indeed pregnant, and until luck test number 100 crossed the threshold of the house- ok the pee stream, I didn't realize how long they had been lying to me. So I peed, and watched in utter amazement as I saw 2 pink lines. Oh boy I'm pregnant, again, with Thing 4. I called my hubby at work, because of course he has to hear the news! And side bar if he is at work I can't see him panic, and as a law enforcement guy he can't cry at work without it haunting him forever. So I was safe to tell him that yes we were for sure out numbered for the REST of our lives.

Number 99- the liar!

Number 100- see the difference?

See Thing 4 was a planned surprise. Yes we wanted more children- someday, and yes I am still breast feeding my 18 month old and yes we had never used protection and heck in 18 month I hadn't gotten pregnant yet why would I now? I will tell you why it happened now. After 3 kids your shape is well, distorted a bit. I had put on a lot of weight in this last pregnancy- ok it was the Christmas cookies that did me in last year. Anywhoo I have finally lost a bunch of weight and even bought myself NEW jeans, and in a size 6! So the moment I bought them I think I got pregnant. Always the moment I buy new clothes I get pregnant. Now for the average women that would be dangerous, but me you see, I never buy clothes. I despise the mall, and would rather any day hit up the thrifty shopper for my clothes. So when I break down and go to the mall, on Black Friday no less, I should have heard the heavens crying for they knew what was up.

Ok way off track with my rant about the mall, my butt size and my fondness for Christmas cookies. Thing 4 is preceded buy Thing 1, she is 10. Thing 2, he is 7. And Thing 3, he is 18 months. Then there is the Father to all Things, we have been together for 15 years and married for 10.5. So that is our family the Mother of all Things, the Father to all Things, and 3 Things running around my house. Until now we had them under the delusion that we were still in control, but since it is official- but not "official" we are now at 2 to 1 odds. 2 Things to every 1 parent of said Things. Now Things 1-3 do not know about Thing 4 yet. We are keeping it under wraps until we have some sort of picture to show them. We can come home and say ohhhhh here is a picture of Thing 4, it is a...... Gummy Bear! Ok not really but that is what they will saw it looks like.

And this is going to be a way to track my progress of growing Thing 4, bringing Thing 4 into the world and even scarier bringing Thing 4 home. This is a way to remember all the little things I so easily forget these days. Note to self remember to blog stuff, and where you wrote the password down.

So grab a seat it is going to be a wild ride!