I am here

It has been a while since I wrote, and I keep meaning to but I can often find ways to avoid it. Hmmmmm the Things are on winter recess. I have been prepping the house to move. I have movies to watch with the father of all Things. Heck I even have laundry to fold!

Ok you busted me, the last one was a lie, I don't fold laundry. opps.

But I have been insanely busy and not with fun things at all. Actually they have all been pretty terrible. I learned of a friends daughter passing away at home, at least it was peaceful, but it still breaks my heart. Her sweet Lily was one month and one day older than Thing 3. I have known the mommy for a long time now, years actually and we laughed because we have babies together often. She has twin girls the same age as Thing 2, and we both just got pregnant around Christmas. We both have lost our Christmas babies. I wish I could take away her pain, I wish I could make it better. But I am helpless, I can't fix her, I can't make her feel better. All I can do is be there for her when she is ready.

I also got the news of another Christmas baby being lost by another friend, and hers has been so much harder than mine. Hers has resulted in a subsequent infection, you know just in case loosing a baby wasn't enough. My heart breaks for her too, they were done having babies. I know I will have the chance to try again eventually. For her it seems that may not be an option, and again I can't fix it for her, I can't make it better. And again I am here for her.

Next up was another friend of mine- who has been getting the short end of the stick for years now, found out her sister had a stroke. Just like that, out of the blue, poof!  Her sister is my age, not even a year old. HOW does that happen? She has children, young ones, and she has lost her speech. I mean how can you raise children with out being able to talk to them? Hopefully with some therapy she will regain this skill.

So yes I have been busy with a lot of really really bad things. But I also have been busy with a few good things.

1) We are going to try and put the house up for sale in a couple of months to move to the country. So we can look out our windows ans see this.



2) I have found friends where I least expected them. Friends that have come forward in this chaotic time, friends that are willing to help out people they have never even met. It touches my heart.

3)I have folded laundry- opps busted again I have not. It looks a lot like this....

Ok this is not me, but it could be, and I found it under Kelly laundry pile through Google.

 So on that note, life goes on with or without me. And I choose to be involved in it, which means good or bad I am here.

P.S. I think the laundry has me beat by better than 2 to 1 odds humph!

Tornado

This whole experience has been what some would call a roller coaster. And some level it has been, but a roller coaster is something you choose to get on, and in the end you know it will have been scary but it was fun because you can get off. You will survive the ups and downs and you will say to your friends Holy $%#! that was scary- let's do it again! So really this whole thing was not a roller coaster, I did not have fun in the end, I do not want to do it again, and I certainly did not get to get off at the end....

This whole thing was more like a tornado, it started as a small storm and quickly became wild and out of control. It started innocently enough with the a positive test, it grew fast and furious as our families excitement grew, that was the rain shower in the beginning that turn into a down pour when I felt a little off. In my gut I think I knew something was just a little off, and in the distance I could hear the thunder. When I went into the doctors for the first time that was the first strike of lightening that quickly had the winds pick up and after that it was a fast and furious tornado that ripped through our lives. Between the sonograms, and the blood work and the false hopes, and the lack of hope to the final answer of Thing 4 being a no go. That was the first touch down of the tornado.

Most of you know I went in for my final sonogram a week ago, and there was no more heartbeat, Thing 4 was officially an Angel, but I got to see him/her and what a blessing. So the next day I had to go into the hospital for a D&C, for those of you who do not know what that is, it is a dilation and curettage. That is where they knock you out and remove the part of the pregnancy that remains, and has the possibility of causing future problems. I know some women may not choose that route and want to go naturally but after 3 weeks of the tornado ripping through our lives, I needed some sort of control. This was the one and only way I could try and stop the destruction.

So it was a Tuesday morning and I went in to the hospital at a very very early hour to get set up for this simple procedure. Little did I know that the tornado had followed me to the hospital..... I got prepped, and brought to the staging area, easy peasy. The IV went right in, I was in good spirits, I mean hey I had answers and some control back in my life. They gave me what they called the "I don't care juice" aka the good stuff they give you before they wheel you into the operating room, and put the mask on you. Honestly it felt good to relax and know when I woke up  45 minutes later this was done. Little did I know they gave me the good stuff, wheeled me in I remember them securing me to the table and putting the mask on and BAM I was out. I went in a little before 8:30 am and woke up in the surgery ICU area 2 hours later.... hmmm in my fog I realized it took longer that the 45 minutes I was told- Oh well I felt good- I think.

Enter the tornado- again. My nurses were great they listened to me before the surgery and gave me meds so I wasn't sick from the anesthesia. What wasn't taken into account was the reaction to one of the medications I got. Apparently either anesthesia makes my heart very unhappy or pain meds do- who knows. But I spent the next 5 hours in the ICU until with an out of control heart rate that averaged 160 bpm even after 3 doses of a medication to lower it. The tornado was recking havoc on me once again. All I could do was lay there semi -up right and feel my heart race, and shake. My nurses never left my side. Like any other tornado it finally ran out of steam and blew away with time, as did the out of control heart rate. They finally let me see the Father of All Things again after 4 hours, at one point they let him see me, but then soon shooed him out with out many answers. I got to go to a normal recovery room when my heart rate finally reaches 110 bmp- mind you I went into the surgery  at a stressed and nervous rate of 85. That is when the itching started, again something did not agree with my body and I itched my self silly, ok I itched my self until I bled. But I did get to go home after an hour in there and I ate something.

On the drive home I was never so itchy or so happy to be going home. I breathed a sigh of relief, I knew that finally I left the tornado behind, and there was for sure a huge path of destruction it left behind. And i could focus on that, and keep glancing back and wondering what if, but if I were to do that then I would have missed the rainbow up ahead of me. So like any tornado it was violent, it was destructive, but it also made me realize that I have  rock solid base, that IS tornado proof. My base is made of up of many family and friends that are stronger than any mere passing wind- no matter how scary it might seem at the time. So I am heading towards that rainbow, and how knows what is at the end of it? Maybe a pot of gold yet  ; )

So unlike a rollercoaster it was not something fun that I want to try over again. But like a tornado it is something that I can not avoid, could not have predicted, and could not change the outcome. In the end it was not fun but I am stronger for it, just like the towns that survive a tornado we will move forward and enjoy the rainbow we got a glimpse of.