I am here

It has been a while since I wrote, and I keep meaning to but I can often find ways to avoid it. Hmmmmm the Things are on winter recess. I have been prepping the house to move. I have movies to watch with the father of all Things. Heck I even have laundry to fold!

Ok you busted me, the last one was a lie, I don't fold laundry. opps.

But I have been insanely busy and not with fun things at all. Actually they have all been pretty terrible. I learned of a friends daughter passing away at home, at least it was peaceful, but it still breaks my heart. Her sweet Lily was one month and one day older than Thing 3. I have known the mommy for a long time now, years actually and we laughed because we have babies together often. She has twin girls the same age as Thing 2, and we both just got pregnant around Christmas. We both have lost our Christmas babies. I wish I could take away her pain, I wish I could make it better. But I am helpless, I can't fix her, I can't make her feel better. All I can do is be there for her when she is ready.

I also got the news of another Christmas baby being lost by another friend, and hers has been so much harder than mine. Hers has resulted in a subsequent infection, you know just in case loosing a baby wasn't enough. My heart breaks for her too, they were done having babies. I know I will have the chance to try again eventually. For her it seems that may not be an option, and again I can't fix it for her, I can't make it better. And again I am here for her.

Next up was another friend of mine- who has been getting the short end of the stick for years now, found out her sister had a stroke. Just like that, out of the blue, poof!  Her sister is my age, not even a year old. HOW does that happen? She has children, young ones, and she has lost her speech. I mean how can you raise children with out being able to talk to them? Hopefully with some therapy she will regain this skill.

So yes I have been busy with a lot of really really bad things. But I also have been busy with a few good things.

1) We are going to try and put the house up for sale in a couple of months to move to the country. So we can look out our windows ans see this.



2) I have found friends where I least expected them. Friends that have come forward in this chaotic time, friends that are willing to help out people they have never even met. It touches my heart.

3)I have folded laundry- opps busted again I have not. It looks a lot like this....

Ok this is not me, but it could be, and I found it under Kelly laundry pile through Google.

 So on that note, life goes on with or without me. And I choose to be involved in it, which means good or bad I am here.

P.S. I think the laundry has me beat by better than 2 to 1 odds humph!

Tornado

This whole experience has been what some would call a roller coaster. And some level it has been, but a roller coaster is something you choose to get on, and in the end you know it will have been scary but it was fun because you can get off. You will survive the ups and downs and you will say to your friends Holy $%#! that was scary- let's do it again! So really this whole thing was not a roller coaster, I did not have fun in the end, I do not want to do it again, and I certainly did not get to get off at the end....

This whole thing was more like a tornado, it started as a small storm and quickly became wild and out of control. It started innocently enough with the a positive test, it grew fast and furious as our families excitement grew, that was the rain shower in the beginning that turn into a down pour when I felt a little off. In my gut I think I knew something was just a little off, and in the distance I could hear the thunder. When I went into the doctors for the first time that was the first strike of lightening that quickly had the winds pick up and after that it was a fast and furious tornado that ripped through our lives. Between the sonograms, and the blood work and the false hopes, and the lack of hope to the final answer of Thing 4 being a no go. That was the first touch down of the tornado.

Most of you know I went in for my final sonogram a week ago, and there was no more heartbeat, Thing 4 was officially an Angel, but I got to see him/her and what a blessing. So the next day I had to go into the hospital for a D&C, for those of you who do not know what that is, it is a dilation and curettage. That is where they knock you out and remove the part of the pregnancy that remains, and has the possibility of causing future problems. I know some women may not choose that route and want to go naturally but after 3 weeks of the tornado ripping through our lives, I needed some sort of control. This was the one and only way I could try and stop the destruction.

So it was a Tuesday morning and I went in to the hospital at a very very early hour to get set up for this simple procedure. Little did I know that the tornado had followed me to the hospital..... I got prepped, and brought to the staging area, easy peasy. The IV went right in, I was in good spirits, I mean hey I had answers and some control back in my life. They gave me what they called the "I don't care juice" aka the good stuff they give you before they wheel you into the operating room, and put the mask on you. Honestly it felt good to relax and know when I woke up  45 minutes later this was done. Little did I know they gave me the good stuff, wheeled me in I remember them securing me to the table and putting the mask on and BAM I was out. I went in a little before 8:30 am and woke up in the surgery ICU area 2 hours later.... hmmm in my fog I realized it took longer that the 45 minutes I was told- Oh well I felt good- I think.

Enter the tornado- again. My nurses were great they listened to me before the surgery and gave me meds so I wasn't sick from the anesthesia. What wasn't taken into account was the reaction to one of the medications I got. Apparently either anesthesia makes my heart very unhappy or pain meds do- who knows. But I spent the next 5 hours in the ICU until with an out of control heart rate that averaged 160 bpm even after 3 doses of a medication to lower it. The tornado was recking havoc on me once again. All I could do was lay there semi -up right and feel my heart race, and shake. My nurses never left my side. Like any other tornado it finally ran out of steam and blew away with time, as did the out of control heart rate. They finally let me see the Father of All Things again after 4 hours, at one point they let him see me, but then soon shooed him out with out many answers. I got to go to a normal recovery room when my heart rate finally reaches 110 bmp- mind you I went into the surgery  at a stressed and nervous rate of 85. That is when the itching started, again something did not agree with my body and I itched my self silly, ok I itched my self until I bled. But I did get to go home after an hour in there and I ate something.

On the drive home I was never so itchy or so happy to be going home. I breathed a sigh of relief, I knew that finally I left the tornado behind, and there was for sure a huge path of destruction it left behind. And i could focus on that, and keep glancing back and wondering what if, but if I were to do that then I would have missed the rainbow up ahead of me. So like any tornado it was violent, it was destructive, but it also made me realize that I have  rock solid base, that IS tornado proof. My base is made of up of many family and friends that are stronger than any mere passing wind- no matter how scary it might seem at the time. So I am heading towards that rainbow, and how knows what is at the end of it? Maybe a pot of gold yet  ; )

So unlike a rollercoaster it was not something fun that I want to try over again. But like a tornado it is something that I can not avoid, could not have predicted, and could not change the outcome. In the end it was not fun but I am stronger for it, just like the towns that survive a tornado we will move forward and enjoy the rainbow we got a glimpse of.

Not quiet yet

Ok so last Monday I went in and got the oh so not good news of the impending miscarriage. It broke my heart. It made me realize how very much I wanted Thing 4 in my life, but it was not meant to be. So All week the doctors whom I assumed knew everything had me come in for blood work. Mondays levels were 9,000 HCG level and a 12 for progesterone. Those are perfectly normal for being 5 weeks along. Wednesday went in for another blood draw and my HCG level went up to 12,000 and the progesterone stayed at 12 Not bad but it causes me to have to go in again on Friday and get MORE blood work done- btw I am really bruised up my arms from all the pokes. So they call and I get the new confirming that the pregnancy is done, my HCG went up to 13,000 not good enough BUT the progesterone went down to 10. So I needed to come in Monday to get the D&C set up.

I went through the weekend, I was sad, very sad but knew it was coming so it wasn't too hard. We started to plan for the future, and part of that is moving so started to paint all the beautiful colors of my home to boring beige and off white. GAG, it actually showed outwardly how I was feeling inwardly. Blah, and empty. I enjoyed movie time with The Father of Things- we watched Courageous, it is great by the way. I had lots of red wine, and I slept like a log- I got to take my ambien again! Overall it was a good weekend!

So Monday's appointment is at the ass crack of dawn- ewwwww 8:45. I wake up at 5:30 am to a text saying there is a 2 hour delay due to snow. ~Super~ So now not only do I have to be out the door at the crack of dawn, but I have to do it with 3 kids in tow. Thankfully they actually helped entertain Thing 3 during my appointment, so it kind of worked out. I get called back, get the weight, blood pressure, temp routine. I had a low grade fever 99.5 go figure. Must be because of the dead sac in my tummy is what I think. SO I get the invasive internal exam over with talk to the doctor about what a D&C entails, and sign the paper work and am set up to go in Thursday morning. I just have to get a sono to clear me and then I can be on my way.

No biggie, I don't mind them too much at this point...ok I do but it is the last thing I need to do be done with this roller coaster. The technician brings me in onto the table I go- invaded yet once more, and she has no clue what id going on and says all cheery like oh there's the heartbeat. My face must have dropped because she turns the monitor to me and yes I see it too, there is a flutter to the baby that is NOT supposed to be there. I told her she must be wrong, I was being cleared for a D&C. She smiles and says well from looks of this there is going to be no D&C So she goes on to measure the sac, the yolk the baby, and the heart rate. The heart rate is a little worry some because it is a little low 96 and normal is 100 at this age, but she told me it is very very early and might have just started to beat. She told me to get dressed I need to talk to the doc again, and I get ushered into yet another room.

The doctor comes in and say well we are not doing a D&C, but with the low heart rate and my low levels it will most likely end is a miscarriage still. There is something like 1% chance of it turning around, and making it. I am still in shock and awe- how in the world is there a heart beat? It was supposed to be dead and it is anything but, for now anyways. So now I have to go in on Monday at 8:30 for a repeat sono and we will go from there.

So I got home in shock, don't remember the drive, but I call the Father of all Things, and he wants to know when the D&C is so he can try and get time off to help me. I go on to say there is not going to be one yet, that they found a heartbeat. He is speechless, and ask how. I try not to laugh because I don't know how either- I mean I do "know how" thing 4 was made, but not sure how it is hanging in there.

So I don't know how to feel, am I supposed to be happy, or excited, or am I just supposed to assume it will end, just not right now? I am now just numb, and angry. Maybe I was right on my dates? Maybe it is just fine, BUT my levels are not good. Maybe it is stronger than I think, BUT Thing 4's heart rate is low. I don't know what to feel, so I go with numb. It is safe, I wont be crushed if it doesn't make it, and I will get a great surprise if it makes it.

So for now I will take it day by day, and cringe every time I have to pee and wipe, for fear of seeing blood. My stomach turns with every twinge I feel in the belly area, and I wonder if I am causing some of my twinges? This is a roller coaster I never figured I'd be on, much less not be able to get off quickly. So you know what I know, odd are not in our favor, and the outcome is likely to be the same as I was told last Monday, but I got to see with my own eyes a real LIVE angel.

boo

So today I wasn't feeling right, and I think I knew all along that something was off. But I went in today for a sonogram and instead of being around 9 weeks and a few days I am measuring at 5 weeks-ish. The sac is irregular in shape and has a thick large yolk sac. So in other words, it is called an impending miscarriage. I have cried, a lot. I had to tell everyone. Including the Father to all Things and Things 1&2. We all cried. For not knowing who this was going to be he/she was sure loved.

So I was going to kill this blog, but I think it is worth keeping track of the process of healing, and possibly getting lucky enough to get a Thing 4 for our family. So this blog still has life in it, even if Thing 4 doesn't.

So for now I will say I have to get more blood work done- yeah to be a pin cushion, in 2 days to see if my levels are going down. And now if they are not what the heck does that mean? hmmmmmm Ohhhhhh GOOGLE. Then I think I have to go back in on Monday to figure out what the next step is. So for now I am going to go and cuddle Thing 1-3, they all need some extra love tonight.  Because I am so very very very blessed. Some people never get the joy of even one Thing, and I already have 3. And the Father of all Things needs some special one on one time too.

Keep you all posted in the progression of this new direction of the adventure. Thanks for reading!

In a mood

So i found my orginal "sisters" on Cafemom, used to love that site. Used to live on it, couldn't live without it! So I decided that after not being on it for almost a year- well maybe longer, that I would jump on and join my due date group. OMG what a bad idea.

What used to be a peaceful place with women supporting each other now makes me sad. To say it is a freaking estrogen laden war zone is an understatement. All I saw was negativity, snarkiness, and women tearing each other down. Now I kind of knew that would be there, because women are women and for the most part that is what they do. But what really got me was the ignorance. I saw women after woman talking out of their butts. With every post I read, I saw Jim Carrey butt talking. It was so bad.

Now I do not claim to be super smart, heck most of the time if you ask Thing 1 I don't know anything at all. But if I see a post where someone is going to put themselves or others in danger I will put in my 2 cents. I have had 3 Things before, I do read a lot of books. Of course a good majority of them are about vampires, but still some are not! So today I went on and saw a women talking- and I use the word loosely because she used words like "I went to the doctor and got blood draws and I got no herpes"  or "I done that before" and like BFF Thing said -she best she uses words like "prolly" and "seen". Anywhoo she was talking about doing a v-bac, I am all for them. And for those who do not know, it is a vaginal birth after a c-section. She has had 2 c-sections already so that makes her more at risk for a uterine rupture, btw the last one was 9 months ago. And then she goes on to say she got herpes from her previous partner, but her new one- aka babies daddy, knows this and is ok with it....um yeah we got that because you ARE knocked up. So you add the risk of HSV, and a uterine rupture I say it is not worth the risks to try it. So every other back woods momma jumps on me that "I no nothing" and need to research this. Actually I have, a lot. So on that note, I added a few links on v-bacs, and HSV. Not that any of those mommas can read or understand the information I provided.

Sorry this wasn't all too funny, but hey like I said I am in a mood.

So one last bitch... why is it these backyard inbreeders can get pregnant at the drop of  a hat and keep the offspring all "safe" in their infested uterus, and my friends who deserve babies, and are good parents and the children they will raise will make society better loose their babies? UGH NOT FAIR!

**side note, I am sure there are tons of great mommas on Cafemom, but I do not have the patience to weed through them. I will stick to my "sisters" that I met in my July 2010 group, and my BFF Thing. They are all the support I need.

wordless Wednesday pt1

Our coming out party!

poetic liscense

We have Things 1, 2, 3 and soon 4.
I have been asked -Oh my you want more?
I reply with a smile and a wink.
For honestly I do not care what others do think.

Yes I do know where babies Things come from.
I do not need your ideas, and I did not need rum.
No the nights were not long and cold,
Actually they were quiet hot and and it never got old.

I know there are people who think we are nuts,
and really and truly I think they are butts.
So what if our family is big and so loud.
To me all my Things make me very, very proud!

Now I know 4 Things is not every ones cup of tea.
But who I am now makes it perfect for me.
I don't want your comments, advice or your stares.
Please go away, because I prefer my Things come in pairs.

I may be no  brilliant Dr Suess,
I like to think I resemble Mother Goose.