Not quiet yet

Ok so last Monday I went in and got the oh so not good news of the impending miscarriage. It broke my heart. It made me realize how very much I wanted Thing 4 in my life, but it was not meant to be. So All week the doctors whom I assumed knew everything had me come in for blood work. Mondays levels were 9,000 HCG level and a 12 for progesterone. Those are perfectly normal for being 5 weeks along. Wednesday went in for another blood draw and my HCG level went up to 12,000 and the progesterone stayed at 12 Not bad but it causes me to have to go in again on Friday and get MORE blood work done- btw I am really bruised up my arms from all the pokes. So they call and I get the new confirming that the pregnancy is done, my HCG went up to 13,000 not good enough BUT the progesterone went down to 10. So I needed to come in Monday to get the D&C set up.

I went through the weekend, I was sad, very sad but knew it was coming so it wasn't too hard. We started to plan for the future, and part of that is moving so started to paint all the beautiful colors of my home to boring beige and off white. GAG, it actually showed outwardly how I was feeling inwardly. Blah, and empty. I enjoyed movie time with The Father of Things- we watched Courageous, it is great by the way. I had lots of red wine, and I slept like a log- I got to take my ambien again! Overall it was a good weekend!

So Monday's appointment is at the ass crack of dawn- ewwwww 8:45. I wake up at 5:30 am to a text saying there is a 2 hour delay due to snow. ~Super~ So now not only do I have to be out the door at the crack of dawn, but I have to do it with 3 kids in tow. Thankfully they actually helped entertain Thing 3 during my appointment, so it kind of worked out. I get called back, get the weight, blood pressure, temp routine. I had a low grade fever 99.5 go figure. Must be because of the dead sac in my tummy is what I think. SO I get the invasive internal exam over with talk to the doctor about what a D&C entails, and sign the paper work and am set up to go in Thursday morning. I just have to get a sono to clear me and then I can be on my way.

No biggie, I don't mind them too much at this point...ok I do but it is the last thing I need to do be done with this roller coaster. The technician brings me in onto the table I go- invaded yet once more, and she has no clue what id going on and says all cheery like oh there's the heartbeat. My face must have dropped because she turns the monitor to me and yes I see it too, there is a flutter to the baby that is NOT supposed to be there. I told her she must be wrong, I was being cleared for a D&C. She smiles and says well from looks of this there is going to be no D&C So she goes on to measure the sac, the yolk the baby, and the heart rate. The heart rate is a little worry some because it is a little low 96 and normal is 100 at this age, but she told me it is very very early and might have just started to beat. She told me to get dressed I need to talk to the doc again, and I get ushered into yet another room.

The doctor comes in and say well we are not doing a D&C, but with the low heart rate and my low levels it will most likely end is a miscarriage still. There is something like 1% chance of it turning around, and making it. I am still in shock and awe- how in the world is there a heart beat? It was supposed to be dead and it is anything but, for now anyways. So now I have to go in on Monday at 8:30 for a repeat sono and we will go from there.

So I got home in shock, don't remember the drive, but I call the Father of all Things, and he wants to know when the D&C is so he can try and get time off to help me. I go on to say there is not going to be one yet, that they found a heartbeat. He is speechless, and ask how. I try not to laugh because I don't know how either- I mean I do "know how" thing 4 was made, but not sure how it is hanging in there.

So I don't know how to feel, am I supposed to be happy, or excited, or am I just supposed to assume it will end, just not right now? I am now just numb, and angry. Maybe I was right on my dates? Maybe it is just fine, BUT my levels are not good. Maybe it is stronger than I think, BUT Thing 4's heart rate is low. I don't know what to feel, so I go with numb. It is safe, I wont be crushed if it doesn't make it, and I will get a great surprise if it makes it.

So for now I will take it day by day, and cringe every time I have to pee and wipe, for fear of seeing blood. My stomach turns with every twinge I feel in the belly area, and I wonder if I am causing some of my twinges? This is a roller coaster I never figured I'd be on, much less not be able to get off quickly. So you know what I know, odd are not in our favor, and the outcome is likely to be the same as I was told last Monday, but I got to see with my own eyes a real LIVE angel.

boo

So today I wasn't feeling right, and I think I knew all along that something was off. But I went in today for a sonogram and instead of being around 9 weeks and a few days I am measuring at 5 weeks-ish. The sac is irregular in shape and has a thick large yolk sac. So in other words, it is called an impending miscarriage. I have cried, a lot. I had to tell everyone. Including the Father to all Things and Things 1&2. We all cried. For not knowing who this was going to be he/she was sure loved.

So I was going to kill this blog, but I think it is worth keeping track of the process of healing, and possibly getting lucky enough to get a Thing 4 for our family. So this blog still has life in it, even if Thing 4 doesn't.

So for now I will say I have to get more blood work done- yeah to be a pin cushion, in 2 days to see if my levels are going down. And now if they are not what the heck does that mean? hmmmmmm Ohhhhhh GOOGLE. Then I think I have to go back in on Monday to figure out what the next step is. So for now I am going to go and cuddle Thing 1-3, they all need some extra love tonight.  Because I am so very very very blessed. Some people never get the joy of even one Thing, and I already have 3. And the Father of all Things needs some special one on one time too.

Keep you all posted in the progression of this new direction of the adventure. Thanks for reading!

In a mood

So i found my orginal "sisters" on Cafemom, used to love that site. Used to live on it, couldn't live without it! So I decided that after not being on it for almost a year- well maybe longer, that I would jump on and join my due date group. OMG what a bad idea.

What used to be a peaceful place with women supporting each other now makes me sad. To say it is a freaking estrogen laden war zone is an understatement. All I saw was negativity, snarkiness, and women tearing each other down. Now I kind of knew that would be there, because women are women and for the most part that is what they do. But what really got me was the ignorance. I saw women after woman talking out of their butts. With every post I read, I saw Jim Carrey butt talking. It was so bad.

Now I do not claim to be super smart, heck most of the time if you ask Thing 1 I don't know anything at all. But if I see a post where someone is going to put themselves or others in danger I will put in my 2 cents. I have had 3 Things before, I do read a lot of books. Of course a good majority of them are about vampires, but still some are not! So today I went on and saw a women talking- and I use the word loosely because she used words like "I went to the doctor and got blood draws and I got no herpes"  or "I done that before" and like BFF Thing said -she best she uses words like "prolly" and "seen". Anywhoo she was talking about doing a v-bac, I am all for them. And for those who do not know, it is a vaginal birth after a c-section. She has had 2 c-sections already so that makes her more at risk for a uterine rupture, btw the last one was 9 months ago. And then she goes on to say she got herpes from her previous partner, but her new one- aka babies daddy, knows this and is ok with it....um yeah we got that because you ARE knocked up. So you add the risk of HSV, and a uterine rupture I say it is not worth the risks to try it. So every other back woods momma jumps on me that "I no nothing" and need to research this. Actually I have, a lot. So on that note, I added a few links on v-bacs, and HSV. Not that any of those mommas can read or understand the information I provided.

Sorry this wasn't all too funny, but hey like I said I am in a mood.

So one last bitch... why is it these backyard inbreeders can get pregnant at the drop of  a hat and keep the offspring all "safe" in their infested uterus, and my friends who deserve babies, and are good parents and the children they will raise will make society better loose their babies? UGH NOT FAIR!

**side note, I am sure there are tons of great mommas on Cafemom, but I do not have the patience to weed through them. I will stick to my "sisters" that I met in my July 2010 group, and my BFF Thing. They are all the support I need.

wordless Wednesday pt1

Our coming out party!

poetic liscense

We have Things 1, 2, 3 and soon 4.
I have been asked -Oh my you want more?
I reply with a smile and a wink.
For honestly I do not care what others do think.

Yes I do know where babies Things come from.
I do not need your ideas, and I did not need rum.
No the nights were not long and cold,
Actually they were quiet hot and and it never got old.

I know there are people who think we are nuts,
and really and truly I think they are butts.
So what if our family is big and so loud.
To me all my Things make me very, very proud!

Now I know 4 Things is not every ones cup of tea.
But who I am now makes it perfect for me.
I don't want your comments, advice or your stares.
Please go away, because I prefer my Things come in pairs.

I may be no  brilliant Dr Suess,
I like to think I resemble Mother Goose.

a quicky

Ok so I just wanted to put out there what is on my heart. I worry about my friends, there is a bunch of us that is pregnant all together and all due within a few weeks of eachother. I know some of us have had previous miscarriages- me included. I worry and pray nightly for all of us, for all of us to keep our babies. I know with so many of us pregnant together the odd are not necessarily in our favor, there were 7 of us and seeing as there 6 of us left now. It weighs heavy on my heart that someone else will loose one of Gods gifts before WE are ready, and yes I know God has a plan, but it doesn't maek it any easier.

So who ever or what ever you pray to please pray we all end up with the perfect babies we all so desperatly want. That there are no more losses and heartache.  I could not imagine the guilt I will feel if I were to have my baby and someone elses is an angel, or vice a versa.

I found this prayer, and it seemed fitting. So if you are at a loss for words you can always say this one.

Prayer for a Safe Pregnancy

This life you have given us
is so tiny, fragile, and vulnerable,
safe in the womb of flesh and hope,
yet subject to danger and death.
O God of love, creator of life,
hear our prayer.
We want this baby so much.
Please grant this child of ours
a full term of nurture,
the joy and mystery of life,
and the blessing of your love.
Grant us the fulfillment of our dreams,
a baby to cherish and protect,
a child to teach and guide,
a blessing to our family.

          Amen.

first time

So there are a lot of first in my life, first steps, first day of school, first date, first kiss, first marriage- well last one too. So as in pregnancies there are first.

With my first pregnancy I was so sick, well sick is not the real word for it. Posioned is a better word. Thing 1 for sure posioned my body, if I only threw up 3-4 times on any given day it was a good day. Bad days I found my self in the ER getting fluids pumped in, and Zofran shots in my heiny.  Once that subsided around about 4.5 months the diabetes kicked in so it was daily 3 times a day finger sticks and no more chocoalte. And those of you who know me that is a food group on its own. Got to the very end and sure enough had kidney stones, that were so bad I was in the hosptial for a  week before they induced me. From what I am told it was bad, I remember very little of it, but I got so many shots for the pain, and then shots for the vomiting and then IV's and blood draws I have nerve damage in my upper thighs..... very very odd.

Well Thing 2 I had first too. I remember for sure the day I first got sick with him- it was the first and last! Again I got the gestational diabetes and many many finger sticks later and the threat of having a ginormous baby- BTW he was 6 lbs 8 oz- REAL huge huh? I had the kidney stones but not as bad and I was able to stay home and got induced before I got stuck in the hospital for a week again.

Well a bunch of years later we get surprised with a honeymoon baby- not ours mind you, but we were in the wedding and somehow got the baby, and they got the honeymoon. Yeah what happened is still a mystery to me. I mean I know where babies come from, but why I never ever got a honeymoon and got the honeymoon baby still stumps me. So Thing 3 was full of first too. It was a first that I had no hurling, puking, vomiting, barfing none of it. I felt great! Thing 3 was the first time I did not get the gestational diabetes, but I did get the kidney stones. My docs were great because I could call and say hey- this is going on, and they would send me up to L&D and I'd get fluids and pain meds and go home to all my other Things. All in all it was an easy pregnancy. Delivery was easy until the end when I was pushing but Things 3's heart rate was crashing, so I was threatened a c-section if I didn't pick up the pace. Now THAT is motivation! Cut my belly open AFTER I got to 10  F that man! I got him out in no time flat, and let me tell you he was the healthiest Thing we had had so far! And he was the first Thing that I put my foot down as a mom and demanded we be let out of the hospital after 24 hours <------ very proud of that, it was a fight for sure but I held my ground. Oh yeah I forgot to mention Thing 3 was the first baby we didn't peek to see if it was a he or she Thing!

Ok so being only about 8 weeks into the pregnancy of Thing 4 I have had 2 migraines, no morning sickness- yet I know I am not out of the woods yet. But the migraine upset me because really Tylenol really won't touch it. It really really doesn't cut it. I have to say I would take the migraine over the morning sickness hands down. I can't wait to see what more of my firsts are going to be, maybe the first Thing with no kidney stones? Maybe the first Thing with a midwife delivery? Maybe even a first Thing with a home delivery?? Who know and  I have time on my side.